Those Phrases from A Parent Which Saved Us during my time as a First-Time Dad

"I believe I was merely in survival mode for a year."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the difficulties of becoming a dad.

Yet the truth soon proved to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health issues during the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into acting as her chief support while also taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every change… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan shared.

After nearly a year he reached burnout. It was a talk with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he needed help.

The straightforward phrases "You aren't in a good spot. You require some help. What can I do to help you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and find a way back.

His story is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. While the public is now better used to discussing the strain on mothers and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles dads go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan believes his challenges are linked to a broader inability to communicate between men, who still absorb harmful notions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing with each wave."

"It's not a show of weakness to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not justified to be asking for help" - particularly in preference to a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is equally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to take a respite - taking a short trip abroad, separate from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's feelings in addition to the logistical chores of taking care of a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she needed" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to better grasp the vocabulary of feelings and interpret his decisions as a father.

The idea of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen lacked consistent male guidance. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, profound emotional pain resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "poor choices" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as an escape from the pain.

"You turn to behaviours that are harmful," he notes. "They might temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Strategies for Managing as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - when you are overwhelmed, tell a friend, your partner or a therapist how you're feeling. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the pursuits that made you feel like yourself before having a baby. Examples include going for a run, socialising or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - nutritious food, physical activity and when you can, sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is doing.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their stories, the challenges, as well as the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Know that asking for help is not failure - taking care of your own well-being is the optimal method you can support your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the loss, having had no contact with him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead provide the stability and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - expressing the feelings constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men since they confronted their pain, altered how they communicate, and figured out how to manage themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… dealing with things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I said, on occasion I feel like my role is to guide and direct you on life, but actually, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are in this journey."