Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.